I have a child of great love beauty in his eyes he is golden to me. a treasure. I miss him but i wont let go. I will never let go. He fills my dreams day and night. I wish sometimes i could hold him in my arms. And teach him things to say. How to walk how to eat how to throw a ball. But i will never get that chance. Even though it has been four years i still cant forgive myself. Why did i put him in the carseat. Why did i let him drive us home. Why did i not....The list goes on and on. I call myself a bad mom because i feel i am responsible. That i havent told my Mom or Dad that Evan wasnt my first child. I feel as if I am dishonoring my child. I am a terrible person and i am lost. What should i do. How can i forgive myself. Questions i will never answer cuz i dont know. Its hard enough to think about it let alone having to tell people. My blessed angel is gone and now his mommy cries day and night.